Matters of Great Consequence

In the minute I was born, three other events took place, of which two were significant and one altered the subsequent course of my life.

These were what happened:

1. An author penned the first word of her first novel, without realising the fact

2. A chain of GATCs lined up in a sequence unique in the history of our Universe

3. A tomato rolled off the wagon, squashed to a green pulp under the farmer’s boot

The day was simultaneously hot and cold depending on where you were. At the place of my birth, heat seared into skin like knives dragged over bare skin. Elsewhere, winter chill did the same.


I favor the derivative, ‘Space’. ‘Outer Space’ suggests that there is an ‘Inner Space’ – Earth. But there is no space here. Only gaps. Gaps between this land and the other; gaps between humans on the subway (if you are so lucky). Gaps between teeth, thighs, and logic. The infinitesimal gap between atoms of futilely clasped hands.

When I say “I need space,” no one knows the picture in my head:

I am floating in subzero, waiting for a speck of space dust to shatter my brittle body into the vacuum.


Leaves have their wisdom too.

Their shape, size and color; their thirst and lust for closeness to the sun, are singularly governed by the task of respiration. Untethered they are by Living, or Meaning. They brown and shed when needed and suffer no existentialism.


April in Taszów

Kwiecień w Taszowie

Zadbany rząd sosen
stojący na baczność.
Płaszcz białego pudru na ich dumnych ramionach.

Śnieg spadł o świcie zanim wstałam
powoli, miękko dryfował w moich snach.
Drewno trzeszczy w piecu, miarowe bicie serca.
Pies przywlókł gałązkę, podczas gdy
na zewnątrz czekają na nas drzewa niosące swój dar.

April in Taszów 

A neat row of pine trees
standing at attention.
A coat of white powder on their proud shoulders.

Snow fell at dawn, before I rose
slowly, softly it drifted in my dreams.
Wood crackles in the stove, a steady heartbeat.
The dog drags in a twig, while
outside, the trees await us, carrying their gift.

Q

pins

I have lived this life before. This sharp, insisting consciousness.

A cascade of coincidences now a matrix of poetry and pain, pining and power.

Two pins fall in an expanding universe, too loud to bear.

What is so special about stardust, anyway? Every organic being risen from it, crumbles to it.

A kind of certainty

Perhaps to be secure in love is to allow in yourself the petulance of a child; the confidence to declare, than request, affection. Always “I know you will love me”, never “Do you” or “Will you?”

Perhaps it is to have a child’s guileless cruelty. The way they close a palm over the powdery wings of a butterfly. To hurt not to harm, but to understand their ability to do so.

Perhaps it is to have a child’s notion of ‘forever’. Not years bore in tedium, chained to bills; unforgiven words. But a captured moment of joy in silo, a perpetually shaken snowglobe.

Perhaps it is just that. A return to form. A certainty distilled from untainted trust.

Letters from a different time

The astronaut releases a letter into space

Today, the sun is orange.
Yoked by the too-slow turn of earth,
it has a different face where you are.

Today, the sun is orange, waking me
from dreams of hollow scapulas crumbling to touch.
Blinking, my fists close to a dust of faraway light.

The seafarer casts a letter into the ocean

I count fish bones the way I count days
we are apart. Fine, silvery threads pulled from
skin, lined in neat parallels that do not meet.

Where I am, the watery sun breaks like yolk over waves,
wave after wave on a lone axis, bringing me to you.

Q

The end will be slow

What they don’t tell you about the beginning of the end is this:

It looks nothing like you would imagine.

The world rumbles on as it did before. Memes are made and sent, a new TikTok user shoots to fame. Thinking about which bars to visit this weekend, making a mental note to get brussel sprouts from the grocer’s this afternoon. YouTube-ing “How to skateboard”.

In some parts of the world, a teen plays with their cellphone – a model two years outdated – not knowing he will step on an explosive by the end the day.

Somewhere else, a family delights as their child squeals at her first rain.

Not a single nuclear detonation; not the wide sweep of a biological virus – nor a technological one. Just the slow, steady turn of the everyday, until one day you find it inches off orbit.

A dispersion beyond land and borders: many into space, plenty into bits of packaged information. Yet others packed clumsily into earth as the ones before them.

Where will you be?

Skull

Seismic or vibrational communication is an ancient sensory modality of conveying information through vibrations. Earth, a plant stem or leaf, the surface of a body of water, a spider’s web, a honeycomb, or any of the myriad types may be vibrational substrates.


That day, it seemed to him, was the first that mattered. Every memory and thought after bright and real, clarified through a looking glass. Everything before a dream with edges runny like broken water.

Soft rain pelts on his nose and eyelashes, beading on his blue sweater where they land.

To his north east, neat rows of pine trees raise their branches coquettishly, needles shaking off the last of their white winter cap. As the row curls westward, it begins to lose its form. Pelts of moss sidle up the base of trunks like quaint socks. A little ahead of him — pressing its slobbery nose over the grassy mounds — trundles a dusky bronze Labrador. At times, it cavorts over with surprising agility for its size and age, winding between his legs, heavy tail whipping carelessly at his thighs.

For a reason that has yet to coalesce in his consciousness, he finds himself walking to where the trees sit haphazardly, unkempt.

His scale is steady, even as one step rises to ragged rocks while the next sinks into a cluster of prickly ferns. He feels curiously safe, cradled by the bubbling brook, the occasional whistle of a lone bird that does not tire of its tune. When twigs give way beneath his boot with a wet crackle, he finds footing reliably on the padded marsh beneath.

He is not sure how long it has been, only that the sun filtering through the pinewoods above have sharpened into columns and are bleeding into orange. The trees rise higher here, while the sun makes its way down. The brook — he concludes from the swelling, constant burbling around him — is now a stream. It muffles the huff of his breaths, but each inhalation now brings greater flavor: the sweetness of pine, mellowed by the earthiness of mushrooms before dissipating with the frostiness of winter’s passing.

He notices first the shaft of golden light pouring from its mouth (or a gaping hole that could have been one) spilling into a pool of amber, illuminating the square of forest floor before it. The surrounding browns and greens dulled, it seems to him, in an instant. The stream drums on, almost eagerly.

The skull sits on a fallen bough, horizontal at knee-height, like a child’s makeshift swing. Near the bough’s midpoint protrudes a broken branch threading through an oval crevice adjacent to its eye socket, cozily fitted like a natural horn. The rest of it is dominated by that light-yielding cavity, framing it a fine jaw bone lined fastidiously with blunted teeth. From an angle, he can almost imagine the skull to be held in place with its bite on the mottled bough.

In his trance-like examination, he has come eye-to-eye with it. The dual chambers glow gold, amber, white — lit within from the sunlight’s shifting angles on its westward descent. Now, he cups the jaw, tender as he would a lover, and unsheathes it from the horn. Gingerly, he tests its mass and matter. It dawns on him that he cannot know any more about the skull: he already knows it, and is merely re-acquainting with its shape and form; with its startling lightness and powdery touch.

Without much forethought he brings his lips close to the cavity, pursing them like he would a mindless whistle; a casual kiss. He blew soundlessly into the skull.

❖❖❖

Years later (and yet more years later), in places far from his childhood, the forest, the Labrador, and his self that day, he would find the skull again, many times and in many ways.

In the passing of a subway train, the all-encompassing rumbling, the flit of fluorescent lights, shadow, lights. The skull grinning back at him from his blinkering reflection before rushing away with the last carriage.

Ducking under the shadow of a building to shake musty rain off his coat, glancing skyward at the mural-sized glass glittering proudly to no one. The glint of the skull’s wink with hollow eyes set aflame.

At the carefully clipped green mats of a sprawling lawn, walking a friend’s dog, the skull dancing in a mist of sprinklers. The back alley of a bar, in the steam hissing from colourless bricks where he pressed his knuckles, heaving emptiness.

In a bed that had lost all spring. A sleeping female shape next to him under custard yellow sheets, the cold plastic of a remote in his hand, staring at the TV until the static burned into a floating afterimage of the skull.

Each time it calls for him. He knows it from the hum at the base of his neck and the back of his throat. A reminder, a trail, a knowledge gifted and slipped away.

❖❖❖

He blows into the skull. It may have lasted seconds, minutes, as long as his breath can hold. But there is no strain, and there is no sound. Only an unearthly frequency that reverberates, at once hollowing out his bones and filling him brimful with an ancient song. The forest is listening, rapturous. The Labrador stands at attention, majestic in its serious, knowing expression. Blades of grass twitch in remembrance. Roots tunnelling closer to core than land yawn beneath his feet. Mushrooms, shied under their thick brown caps, stir and bare their intricate patterns to surface.

When it ends, he is not sure if it was him or the skull who willed it to.

As if the forest has been holding its breath, a deep, collective sigh released the flow and flurry again.

He knows the forest murmured a secret to him, and he is to understand and know. In the days that follow, much more became clear. But the one he was to know remains obscured. All he can be sure of is that at the moment of the forest’s sigh, he heard softly but surely the give of water: a small creature diving cleanly into the stream.

Not a month later, he packs a compact suitcase and starts a trek of cities with fluorescent lights; clipped lawns; glittering buildings; warm figures he seem to always find but never keep.

❖❖❖

In one of the cities where his suitcase landed, foreign ferns are streaked with maroon, with leaves wide and wet as newborns. In the summer, when the heat is feverish, he cools off by the pool with a paperback and his sandals kicked off. In the languid air hung a cloying scent of sunblock and shrieks of children romping dangerously near the pool’s edge, but he does not mind. Resting his eyes, he watches them tumble and fight like puppies.

It is while resting that the glimmering, chlorine blue of the pool’s surface began to eddy again to that familiar shape, the drumming and hum catching in his core. This time though, he is jolted by another long-known sound: body breaking water.

All he can see of her from the surface is a crown of raven like seaweed undulating in the water. Around her, the skull ripples and dissolves, its grin wider than ever. Now, the body turns towards him, rises from the water. On her face that biding, knowing look the skull, the Labrador, the whistling bird and coy mushrooms had held.

And then, as if two looking glasses rolling at random now snap to perfect alignment, he saw with clarity the knowledge the forest had gifted: “You’re home.”

Q

Vapor

my own steps terrify me.
the weight of it, the shock of sound
that tells me i am material,
of flesh
and skin that warms to touch.

at dawn i am silent:
a ghost space filtered through misted mirrors;
a slow distillation of light.

only then am i my own.
your hands close over
vapor, violets un-blooming
where there is no earth.

then a blush of dew on knuckles.
a certain gravity. willed into being
by another. i take shape
and lose my self.

Q

Psyche

and in the dark mouth of the mountain she stands

trembling, freed.

her parents’ slow-spinning cries a distant orbit.

yes.

better this than a dusty stillness; those unblinking Plutonian eyes.

better this: to be wilfully plucked and devoured whole,

each night touched by the dark; a shadow face,

every morning a mortal ache, stirring with want.

Q